...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
