It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
His nipple licking is glorious
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