Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he was CRYING into my vagina
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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