The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
