Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize