just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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