My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
