I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
