Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
