My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
