Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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