Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Small penises have feelings too.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize