Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
