dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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