You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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