there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
