he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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