so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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