It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
