pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
