it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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