Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
as a side note pls kill me
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
