Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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