I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
