I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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