Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
