Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
