I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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