you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
