Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
