how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
