Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
