On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my sisters under your porch take her home
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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