Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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