i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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