I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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