that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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