we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
