it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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