Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
