Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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