i was born a porn star she said
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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