I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
