if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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