hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize