I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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