I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
