and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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