like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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