I'm going to rape someone's good day.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
