Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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