I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
