Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
