Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If that was your dad, he is hot
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
