I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
