I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
