Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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