Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
