I wanna passion pit in your ass
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
