can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
